Looking for God

I don't often look for God working in my life while I'm in the middle of a crisis. Even when I am on my knees begging for Him to intercede. I look for the results I want to see. And when I don't see what I expect, I feel that God has not answered my prayers. "Why am I going through this? Have I not poured all my faith and hope in You? What are you trying to teach me through this?" Even when I don't get the answers I am looking for, I still can't help but see God, even in the smallest of ways, working through my life when I'm having a hard time. He may not have told me why I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks, or why it took another 9 weeks, an ambulance ride to the ER, losing a third of my total blood volume, and finally a D&C for everything to be resolved; but He gave me peace and comfort I could never have mustered up on my own.

As I sit here today, almost a year after getting pregnant the last time, I am pregnant again. And in many ways, I am faced with asking those same questions again. "God, it took so long for us to gain our courage to even contemplate getting pregnant again. You were so good and allowed us to get pregnant again so quickly. Why then, Lord? Why then am I on the brink of losing this pregnancy too? Again, Lord? Wasn't it hard enough the first time? Did I not trust in You enough before?" My doctor says it could easily be luck of the draw. While I understand her point, two miscarriages in a row does not mean there is something physically wrong. After all, I have had one successful pregnancy - so many women don't even get to have that. I know it is not by chance that I got pregnant in the first place, and I therefore know that it is not by chance that these pregnancies have also ended. "But why, Lord?" 

Writing in a journal as an adult is much more different from the diary-keeping I did as a teenager. It's much more introspective, and less about the cute boy in English class. Although I often reflect on the sweet and wonderful things the men in my life do from time to time. I can't help but look back and feel the undertones of the questions I asked. "Why me? What did I do? Why aren't You giving me what I want?" And while most people will tell you it's ok to ask those questions and feel that way, do I really think that's what God, my Counselor, would say to me? No, probably not. He would say Be still and know that I am God! Trust in Me with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. I work all things together for the good of you, who loves Me, who has been called according to My purpose. I know the plans that I have for you: plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future. You will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you! You will seek Me and you will find Me, when you search for Me with all of your heart. I can't help but notice how selfish my questions seem in response to His word. I'm looking for my will and what I think is best for me. King David so wisely said "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." and not much later he also said "The steps of man are established by the Lord, and He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong because the Lord is the one who holds his hand." 

We aren't promised all the things our hearts desire, because our hearts are wicked. He holds our hand so when we do stumble and fall down and are devastated by our sinful separation from God, he will lift us up again. "I waited patiently for the Lord; and He listened to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, and He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord. How blessed is the man who has made the Lord his trust, and has not turned to the proud, nor to those who trust in lies. Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders which You have done, and Your thoughts toward us; there is none to compare with You. If I would declare and speak of them, they would be too numerous to count." So I took a lesson from my Lord and have sought to look at the big picture. I know He loves and cares for me enough to know the number of hairs on my head, but I also know He knows the whole story from beginning to end; my role is but a small part in an act of a play from a library full of books! It's so easy to lose sight of the fact that my life is not about me. 

One of the first bits of biblical truth I can remember learning was from my days as an 8 year old memorizing the first several questions from the Shorter CatechismWhat is the chief end of man? and the answer is To glorify God and enjoy Him forever. How do we do this? By reading the scriptures the Lord has given us. What do the scriptures teach? It teaches us what we are to believe concerning God and what duty God requires of us. Which leads me to my final question: What does God require of us? "Now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require from you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways and love Him, and to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the Lord's commandments and His statutes which I am commanding you today for your good." So really long story short, my happiness can not be found in the earthly things of this life. Yes, the Lord will give me joys, but  He will also give me sorrows. All He asks is that I trust in Him with all my heart, serve Him, and keep His commandments. It seems so simple, but I often find my heart so far away when I think I'm following Him. 

So what's the big picture? What can I do with my life to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever"?