Better Than A Hallelujah

The day I found out I was going have my first miscarriage I heard this song for the first time. I had just left the doctor's office and I was broken. I was sobbing as Matt drove us to the Lab so I could get some blood work done and this song came on. And normally when I hear a song that reminds me of something sad, I can't really ever listen to it again because it just makes me sad (i.e. the day I went to see my Nana, knowing it was going to be the last time I ever saw her, I heard the both "Better is One Day" and "When I Get Where I'm Going"...and I can't listen to those songs without crying). But for some reason this song was different. I don't know, maybe it just gave me hope that God was hearing my cries, and knew my heart.


God loves a lullaby
In a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

God loves the drunkard's cry
The soldier's plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

The woman holding on for life
The dying man giving up the fight
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes

The tears of shame for what's been done
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes


We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

Better than a church bell ringing
Better than a choir singing out, singing out

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah


And again today, as I drove home from my Lab appointment, after learning yesterday that I am about to have my second miscarriage, I heard this song. I don't feel as broken as I did last year, but I still cry. I have hope because I trust that the Lord has a plan for our family.

Our Branch

Almost two years ago I got really into researching my ancestry. I had always had a little bit of interest in knowing more about my family history - I was a Sociology major after all! I love knowing how someones environment has made them into who they are. Take my great-grandmother for example. She was born the youngest of three children in 1914 to a young, sickly mother, Mary Charlotte. I am not clear about the details of the matter, but what I do know is that my Nana almost died as an infant, and Mary Charlotte died shortly after giving birth to her sweet baby girl that she would never see grow up. After the death of Mary Charlotte, her recently widowed husband married another young woman. This young woman was still a child herself at 15 years old and for some reason was unable to care for my Nana, so she was sent off to live with an aunt. She was loved and cared for, but you can't help but wonder the heartache she must have felt having been separated from her father and her two older siblings. My Nana grew up knowing she did not want to be the 15 year old wife her own mother and step-mother were. She was going to be strong and independent. She lived through the Great Depression, like so many others, and she met a man who courted her, loved her, and married her when she was 21 years old.  She gave birth to three strong and responsible and independent children. She then went on to go to Nursing School, excelling at everything she did, always at the top of her class. And after over 50 years of marriage, she lost her husband. She, however, went on to live a full and strong and independent 92 years. She saw three generations from her offspring, and saw the promise of a fourth before she took her last breath. A family full of women who are strong and independent.

Those are admirable traits to be passing along to your children. Those are all things I hope to teach my own children, but I also want to share with them the eternal love of Christ.  Of all the wonderful I things I learned from my Nana during the 19 years we shared, many of them were not actually told to me. Rather, I was able to learn from her consistent examples. And now as a mother myself, I hope that I can provide consistent Godly examples for my children. I can already see the compassionate spirit in my two year-old son. I'm so grateful the Lord has blessed him with that quality because it is something we can share in together. I want to nurture that characteristic in him so that he may grow up desiring to serve "the least of these" in our world. I want to provide an environment for him that allows him to exercise his compassion. I want to see him come to know Christ at an early age so that he may never remember a time when he did not want to love and serve the Lord. I want him to be a blessing to others and I want his light to shine before all men, that they may see his good deeds and Praise our Father in heaven. I want these things, and so many more, for my son.

I've known from a fairly young age that the Lord had given me a spirit of compassion and mercy. I always befriended the new kid at school, even when everyone else made fun of them or didn't want to play with them. I even remember my grandmother pointing out to me that people who are often rejected or ignored in our society were drawn to me. (She said it was because of my aura and the energy I emitted from my smile...) Even the boy who loved me in high school, who was a trouble maker and a drop-out, was drawn to me. Of course at the time I didn't understand it. I didn't think it was really anything about me personally that was special, but I knew they saw something in me that drew them in. Now looking back as an adult, I can see why. Reading the scriptures about Jesus and all the people who followed him: tax collectors, prostitutes, lepers, out casts. He wasn't a handsome man. He may have had a warm smile, but people didn't flock to him because he was popular. They came to him because he had something they wanted, something they needed. Hope. Peace. Freedom. As believers we are all called to have compassion and show mercy, to share the love of Christ with others.

So what am I doing with my life to "do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with our God"?

Looking for God

I don't often look for God working in my life while I'm in the middle of a crisis. Even when I am on my knees begging for Him to intercede. I look for the results I want to see. And when I don't see what I expect, I feel that God has not answered my prayers. "Why am I going through this? Have I not poured all my faith and hope in You? What are you trying to teach me through this?" Even when I don't get the answers I am looking for, I still can't help but see God, even in the smallest of ways, working through my life when I'm having a hard time. He may not have told me why I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks, or why it took another 9 weeks, an ambulance ride to the ER, losing a third of my total blood volume, and finally a D&C for everything to be resolved; but He gave me peace and comfort I could never have mustered up on my own.

As I sit here today, almost a year after getting pregnant the last time, I am pregnant again. And in many ways, I am faced with asking those same questions again. "God, it took so long for us to gain our courage to even contemplate getting pregnant again. You were so good and allowed us to get pregnant again so quickly. Why then, Lord? Why then am I on the brink of losing this pregnancy too? Again, Lord? Wasn't it hard enough the first time? Did I not trust in You enough before?" My doctor says it could easily be luck of the draw. While I understand her point, two miscarriages in a row does not mean there is something physically wrong. After all, I have had one successful pregnancy - so many women don't even get to have that. I know it is not by chance that I got pregnant in the first place, and I therefore know that it is not by chance that these pregnancies have also ended. "But why, Lord?" 

Writing in a journal as an adult is much more different from the diary-keeping I did as a teenager. It's much more introspective, and less about the cute boy in English class. Although I often reflect on the sweet and wonderful things the men in my life do from time to time. I can't help but look back and feel the undertones of the questions I asked. "Why me? What did I do? Why aren't You giving me what I want?" And while most people will tell you it's ok to ask those questions and feel that way, do I really think that's what God, my Counselor, would say to me? No, probably not. He would say Be still and know that I am God! Trust in Me with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. I work all things together for the good of you, who loves Me, who has been called according to My purpose. I know the plans that I have for you: plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future. You will call on Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you! You will seek Me and you will find Me, when you search for Me with all of your heart. I can't help but notice how selfish my questions seem in response to His word. I'm looking for my will and what I think is best for me. King David so wisely said "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." and not much later he also said "The steps of man are established by the Lord, and He delights in his way. When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong because the Lord is the one who holds his hand." 

We aren't promised all the things our hearts desire, because our hearts are wicked. He holds our hand so when we do stumble and fall down and are devastated by our sinful separation from God, he will lift us up again. "I waited patiently for the Lord; and He listened to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, and He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord. How blessed is the man who has made the Lord his trust, and has not turned to the proud, nor to those who trust in lies. Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders which You have done, and Your thoughts toward us; there is none to compare with You. If I would declare and speak of them, they would be too numerous to count." So I took a lesson from my Lord and have sought to look at the big picture. I know He loves and cares for me enough to know the number of hairs on my head, but I also know He knows the whole story from beginning to end; my role is but a small part in an act of a play from a library full of books! It's so easy to lose sight of the fact that my life is not about me. 

One of the first bits of biblical truth I can remember learning was from my days as an 8 year old memorizing the first several questions from the Shorter CatechismWhat is the chief end of man? and the answer is To glorify God and enjoy Him forever. How do we do this? By reading the scriptures the Lord has given us. What do the scriptures teach? It teaches us what we are to believe concerning God and what duty God requires of us. Which leads me to my final question: What does God require of us? "Now, Israel, what does the Lord your God require from you, but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in all His ways and love Him, and to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to keep the Lord's commandments and His statutes which I am commanding you today for your good." So really long story short, my happiness can not be found in the earthly things of this life. Yes, the Lord will give me joys, but  He will also give me sorrows. All He asks is that I trust in Him with all my heart, serve Him, and keep His commandments. It seems so simple, but I often find my heart so far away when I think I'm following Him. 

So what's the big picture? What can I do with my life to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever"?